When it's OK to say "OH SH*T"...

Convinced he could successfully talk his way out of the predicament, Private Warren Joliet explained how much skill was actually involved in parking the tank in this fashion. “Anybody can drive one … I’d like to see someone do this.” Private Warren is currently under indefinite military arrest. The ship’s captain Grover Fallon denied late Thursday that his unwillingness to leave port before the tide went out reflected badly on his professional judgment. “It’s not like I sank the damn thing. It’s not going that bad.” What was going bad, however, was Captain Fallon’s cargo of fresh fruit. Forklift Operator Mickey Dollend remained at home Wednesday after his near-disastrous accident late Tuesday morning. When asked if Mr. Dollend would face disciplinary action, company officials replied that “Mickey is always clowning around and doing stuff like this. Everything is fine.” When pressed about the surprising similarity of this accident to several others that resulted in large insurance settlements, company officials refused comment. In attempting to act out a long-held “Miami Vice” fantasy, best friends Byron Willliams and Teddy Kosavac were shocked to learn they both suffered from identical forms of diplopia (lack of depth perception). The friends now have identical internal injuries and halo collars. A Daylight Savings mix-up turned ugly early Friday morning when ground crews found themselves in the flight path of a 45-ton transport plane. Ground Crew Supervisor Butch Posser explained that while time changes have always screwed him up, this year will be his last. “Remembering to check my calendar is better than having to change my shorts twice a year.” Forced to explain the events that led the rookie crane operator into attempting a dredge-out from in the water versus the more traditional land-based method, the water-logged operator suggested that instead of being disciplined he should be commended for trying to approach a situation differently. He is no longer with the firm. Frustrated by the lack of free boat launches, Nathan Fillion and his family attempted to find an alternate solution. Mr. Fillion contends his only error was in attempting to drive forward versus the more traditional practice of backing the boat toward the water. He maintains that given a second chance, he is almost certain he "could have made it.” The Giant Mining Co. introduced a new initiative to decrease site accidents. Red tape was used to outline the “no driving area” for regular vehicles so as to not impede the movement of large mining trucks. Unfortunately, the individual in charge of setting up the red tape neglected to follow the new rules. Forced to concede his truck was not actually able to haul “any damn thing you put in it,” driver Morris Lukatis is now faced with finding a large jack that can “lift any damn thing it wants.” Good luck, Mr. Lukatis! Math proved a problem early Monday when a small ship was overloaded way beyond its capacity, causing it to sink quickly and out of sight. “I could swear I only counted 75 containers,” said Josh Nichol of Container Management. “I really need to be writing this kind of stuff down.” Convinced the horse would leap safely over their car during a midnight game of auto-horse chicken, brothers Roger and Rezko Rollins underestimated the attraction that an open box of sugar cubes visible on their front seat would hold for the sweet-toothed stallion. Smiling for the camera and trying to put a happy face on a tough situation is Barry Clarke, 42. The jovial outdoorsman was dismayed to see his truck destroyed by falling timber but encouraged that the small branch lodged in his anus was still visible, hopefully making its safe removal more than likely. Lawsuits were filed today on behalf of Transport Shipyards and Grady Shipping against container loader Walter Dovetree, a one-time world domino champion. Details were limited but lawyers do admit a concern that Mr. Dovetree had not yet gotten over his recent overtime loss to the Russian domino champion, which was putting his on-the-job focus into question. The captain of the “The Litunia” explained Thursday that while the accident was serious, it came as no real surprise to him. “I was a waiter for six years and I couldn’t balance anything to save my life then either.” The ship's owners have let it be known they are now actively seeking a new captain - ASAP. Residents of a Mesa, Arizona rest home received the shock of their lives when a large meteorite crashed through their roof, crushing a blue recliner and narrowly missing Ricky Frankin (pictured left) who is now claiming ownership. “It landed in my damn chair. Why can’t I keep it?” After a hard-fought and often bitterly personal campaign against City Hall to have new power poles installed on his street, Fred McCutcheon finally succeeded. When asked how he felt about his victory, Fred admitted that while he was pleased overall, his feelings were somewhat mixed. “I may have won the battle but I think I lost the war.” Realizing that his wife’s brother-in-law was not the qualified mechanic he claimed to be came too late for ATV racer John Shepard. After losing the race in question, Mr. Shepard confronted his relative about the shocking equipment malfunction. Whatever immediate response was offered must have been inadequate as Mr. Shepard is currently facing assault charges for attempting to insert both ATV tires inside Mr. Pritchard. Neither offered a comment at press time.